Monthly Archives: October 2015

Though I walk through the valley…


Bear with me here. I’m processing stuff.

Life kinda sucks.

I’m learning this. As I journey into the world of fibro-myalgia, I have some days when I am ready to learn all I can and try anything and everything to get better. Other days, I feel hopeless. “Is this what the rest of my life will feel like? Well thpppppbbbtttt!”


Then I heard this the other day. It wasn’t even directed at me, just a random meme on the internets. “Everything happens for a reason.”

This one goes right in my round file, next to “G-d doesn’t give you more than you can handle.” I don’t know who first said that, but I call shenanigans. Where’s the glory in that?

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”  2 Corinthians 12:9a

“I am weak, but He is strong.”

Telling someone they can, and should, handle everything that comes their way is cruel. It heaps on guilt and doubt, about their strength and about their faith.

Also, telling someone that everything happens for a reason. Equally cruel. I’m not saying some, or many, things don’t happen for a reason. The Bible is full of this. Banishment from the Garden, the Flood, Tower of Babel, wandering in the desert for 40 years!

But in some times, or many times, we will never know the reason. Questioning and searching for reasons can be torture as one tries to figure out what possibly they have done wrong and how to make it right.

I’m also not saying good things don’t come out of pain. How about being sold off by your brothers, being falsely accused and spending time in prison, then rising up and saving your entire family and your people? But would telling Joseph when he lay in that cistern made him feel better? “Don’t worry. There’s a reason for this, besides the fact that your brothers all seriously dislike you and some hate you.”

This world is full of pain and grief. Diseases that cripple and destroy, natural disasters that take all you have, people with evil intentions stealing your possessions, your security, your innocence, maybe your life.

Why? I don’t know.

What I do know is that we are not alone. We are never alone. Even in the darkest times, He is with us.

“Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.” Psalm 23:4






Now that I have your attention…

Whoa. This has been a rough couple of months.

I’ve been dealing with some unexplained pain over the last few years, which now has been diagnosed as fibro-myalgia. Which I think must be Greek for “body hurts”. And I have to be honest. It sucks. On a side note, don’t look up ‘ouch’ in Google Images unless you have a very strong stomach.

I tried to not have it. Any time I would be extra sore, or extra tired, or extra what-the-poop-is-wrong-with-me, and start worrying, I would think, “Nope. Not gonna happen!’

Mom's artwork

Mom’s artwork

My mom has been dealing with fibro-myalgia for around 20 years. And she rocks it! She has owned and ran a tea house with a friend, she spends time with her grand babies, she is a very talented actress in local theater, and creates stunning works of art called ‘quilts’. And, during the week, she is the revered ‘keeper of the records’ at one of the best pediatric practices in all the land. (That’s for Dr. Gorilla)

doctor gorilla

For the most part, I dealt okay with things for a few years. Though I probably complained way too much. It’s one of my flaws. Being a whiny wimp.

But after going back to work last year, things started to go downhill. I was hoping a summer off would make it all better and I would start the school year off with all my life points. But, alas, I did not collect enough life packs. Can you tell I have kids who play video games?


The school year begins and the pain starts getting worse and I am exhausted.

Then my beloved Papa passes away, back home, half a country away from me.

Then Mom and Dad visit, which is definitely a good thing, but I pass on wonderful germs and Dad gets really sick.

All of these stresses help produce a re-emergence of depression symptoms. So I go to my doctor and get to switch medications, which is a physical and emotional carnival ride of it’s own.

(Mental health soap box: There are often very strong views on both sides of the medication for mental illness argument. Some people use it, some people do not. Always communicate with your doctor on these issues. He or she will weigh the benefits and costs with you and help you make the best choice for you. And never stop taking medication without talking to your doctor first. Mental health issues, from mild to severe, can be very upsetting. After all, the mind is the control center of the body! But it is still part of the body and can sometimes be hurt of sick, just like any other part. 1 in 4 people will suffer from mental illness at some point in their lives. Take care of your whole body, mind too!)

Now, here I am today, the middle of October, unable to be in the classroom, and applying for temporary disability.

I feel like a rug has been pulled out from under me.

This isn’t the first time I’ve been down here, on the floor. I never really stay for long. There is so much to do! I can’t be down! There are classrooms to manage, boys to wrangle, a house to clean, and more volunteer opportunities than you can count! So up I go, sometimes slowly, with a little limp, and maybe a groan. But I have. to. keep. moving.

Not this time. I need to be down for a bit. And it’s possible my health has me in a sort of a headlock, pinning me down and shouting “It’s time for a time-out!”

flowers and grass

Whatever the reason, I am here and things look a little different from down here. And it’s not so bad. There are flowers here, close enough to smell. While I’m here I can look up and see the shapes in the clouds, I can feel the grass, I can hear so much. Actually, it’s so quiet, I might actually be able to hear my body, and I think it’s telling me to slow down. Hmm, I wonder how long it’s been saying that?  I want so much to live my life with intention and awareness. Is it possible I haven’t been aware of a darn thing?

One of the cool things about having ADD is how much you notice. Everything distracts me, so I often notice little things others may not; small flowers, a rabbit nibbling on the weeds, SQUIRREL!

Is it possible I’ve been so distracted by everything going on me, I have tuned out a very important person? I am always here, always with myself. So why haven’t I been listening TO myself? I’m sure I would take it as a great compliment, I love to talk.

I think I’ll listen right now, and have a power nap. Who’s with me?!

Oh, right. Me!